Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize