She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
