Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
In America we eat man semen.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
