Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
