I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
