not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
