Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
If I die, sorry about rent.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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