also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Randomize
