In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
