Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
