i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
