I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
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