"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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