Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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