We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
