all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Randomize
