hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
