I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
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