I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
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