If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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