I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
he laminated a picture of his dick.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Randomize
