Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
how do you play pong handcuffed?
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Can you bring me the toilet please
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Randomize
