i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Pants are for mortals
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
