Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
