Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
