And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
