She went from zero to smokin in five shots
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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