we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
