did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
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