someone threw a dead crab at me
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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