On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
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