guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
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You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
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Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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