Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
