Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
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