Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
