You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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