got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
How does it feel to date your dad?
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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