Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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