it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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