just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
