there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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