Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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