so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
She told me I should be a condom model.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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