the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Randomize
