Kareoke will never be a sober sport
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Randomize
