Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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