Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
