so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
