so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
So much rum. So many feels.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I want a musical about memes.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
