If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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