i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Those nachos came to me in a dream
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
