Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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