she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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