I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
