well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
