well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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