A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
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