bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level