I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive