i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
