So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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