sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
