I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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