this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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